Sunday, January 23, 2011

Emotional Journey

By nature I have a pretty cheerful, positive personality. I use that energy to spend positive days at home with my children and in my dynamic with my husband where my more bubbly personality tends to raise the energy in the household in a positive way. When Ava qualified for early intervention services with a likely diagnosis of apraxia it hit me hard. I was depressed and on the verge of tears pretty much every waking moment. It made it difficult to be a good parent to my children and changed the whole tone of my interactions with my husband. Here I wondered how long it would last before I’d be able to think past the fear and sadness of the diagnosis and become a little more functional and a little more myself.

Well, it turns out that for me the worst of it lasted about 2-3 weeks. Blogging helped actually. Normally I’m a hide my wounds and lick them in private kinda girl, but talking about everything both online and off has helped a lot. I think the holidays helped too simply because I was too busy to obsess.

I’m also consciously avoiding lines of thought that aren’t productive. Any train of thought that goes something like, “What will school be like for her? or How will she make friends if she can’t talk to them? or I think she’d be closer to her brother if only they could talk to each other. or Will she have the language and reading problems that often accompany apraxia when she gets older?” gets cut off immediately. I don’t know yet how she’ll respond to therapy or how fast she’ll progress. It just doesn’t make sense to worry about tomorrow’s possible problems when there are enough things to deal with today. I can handle today’s problems. I can work out solutions. I can’t do anything about fears for things that –might- happen in the future.

So now I’m in a flurry of activity and I feel pretty good about it. It makes me feel better to have a list of things I want to accomplish and to actually be crossing some of those things off. In my next few posts I’ll talk about some of the things we’re doing and setting up right now.

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