Our diagnostic evaluation is officially scheduled. December 15. I spoke with the coordinator of the diagnostic team that will be evaluating Ava. They'll be sending someone out to her school the week before her evaluation to observe her and then we are supposed to allocate all morning starting at 9am for the actual evaluation.
I was nervous as soon as the person on the other end of the line identified herself, so my initial impressions probably aren't super accurate, but I didn't get a great vibe. I can't even quite pinpoint why exactly. I just got the feeling somehow that she already didn't think Ava will qualify.
My thoughts scatter in so many different directions when I think about the evaluation and they're all contradictory. First, I feel I'm embarrassed because I might be wasting their time - Ava probably isn't severe enough any more to continue to qualify for services. The next moment, I'm scared that I'll get that same terrible feeling I've gotten after her initial evaluation and after her formal articulation test. The one that sinks down to the pit of my stomach when I realize how far behind her peers she still is. I worry that she'll do too well and then I feel guilty that I can possibly want her to do poorly. What kind of thought is that for a mother?
I need to just relax. The evaluation is almost three months away. It doesn't do anyone any good to spend those three months obsessing over what may or may not happen. And ultimately, whatever happens, it will be fine. Everything will work out.
It is so easy to dispense such advice, even in my own mind. Now to just follow that good advice...
