Thursday, July 28, 2011

Do you think we'll look back...?

Do you think we'll look back ten years from now and wish we could tell our past selves to relax? Tell that past self that it really will all be ok?

Even now, only six months after our first official evaluation, I wish I could go back to the me that was sitting in front of the computer writing that first post while wiping tears away that things will get better soon. The worst of my fears on that day are not going to come true. Ava can talk. She does not have severe apraxia and we're seeing relatively quick progress. The intensity of those first emotions does fade. Life has moved forward and we have found a new equillibrium.

We are raising a daughter for whom talking is difficult rather than a natural miracle like it is for the rest of us. She needs help and practice to learn to talk and that process will be measured in years rather than in months. I've accepted that. It is simply our new reality. Our lives are so complex and are made up of so many events that the speech issue is really only one small part of the whole. And the whole picture of our lives is a good one. I really do believe that in my heart.

Then there are the fears that creep in late at night, or after a particularly difficult day. At those time I wonder if I'll look back at the day I wrote this post and wish I could tell her that there are unanticipated struggles ahead and that I need to be more vigilant.

Initially, I was nothing but grateful over the extra OT services Ava will be receiving. As it sinks in that she is receiving those services because experienced professionals believe that there is a whole additional area of concern I had previously missed, I find myself struggling again to adjust.

I can wrestle with all these thoughts endlessly, but the bottom line is that Ava is always the same. She is my daughter. She loves me and I love her. A new opinion, service, or diagnosis does not change who she is. Like all other children she needs love, space, encouragement and excellent teachers to help her learn and grow into the best person she can be. I will continue to provide her with those things to the best of my ability and let the future take care of itself.

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